Really Just Doing Whatever I Want

It took more than fifty years, but I think I’m finally realizing I’m never going to reach a point where everyone understands me.

And you know what?

It doesn’t matter.

You can spend a big part of your life walking on eggshells, trying to keep everyone happy. Agreeable. Responsible. Saying the right thing, doing the right thing, being whatever everyone needs you to be. Raising the kids. Taking care of the people. Doing whatever needs to be done next.

Sometimes at your own expense.

You can carry the water. Show up. Every single time.

And you can do ALL of that and still eventually discover it wasn’t enough, and that there weren’t actually any bonus points.

Someone still won’t understand you.

Someone won’t like your idea.

Someone will think you’re doing it wrong.

Here’s what I’m learning: just because someone else is extremely confident about their opinion doesn’t mean they’re right.

And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Some people are just really good at being certain.

I’m allowed to think what I think.

I’m allowed to trust my instincts.

I’m allowed to take up space.

After all these years of taking care of everyone else, that feels especially important.

There isn’t the same constant urgency anymore. Not everything I want to do has to move to the bottom of the list automatically.

Maybe it’s my turn.

Maybe this is what Really Just Doing Whatever I Want actually means.

Not being reckless. Not ignoring everyone else. Not deciding that only what I want matters.

Just finally trusting myself enough to stop needing everyone else to understand.

Not because I finally earned enough bonus points.

Just because this is my life, too.